August 31, 2009: It wasn't raining and cool like today, I'm sure. But I don't remember much about the temperature. I do remember that my body was threatening to give up, and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to continue the journey another day, another minute. The pain of the fibromyalgia was as bad as it has ever been and worse than usual. I was totally, squeezed out, dragged down, exhausted. In addition, I know now that I was terrified. Somewhere in that slush that was going on in my mind, I suppose I knew we were living the last days of our marriage, of Vann's illness--although I tried with every atom in me to deny it.
I distinctly remember the feeling of consciously forcing one foot in front of the other, taking literally one minute at a time, purposefully not thinking about tomorrow or how much longer this nightmare was going to continue.
To get me through those last days, I reminisced a lot. I went over the years and days of our lives together. Vann and I had some wonderful times. Laughter always lived with us. But we also went through some times that would have torn some couples apart, couples who didn't share the kind of strong love we had. We were bonded with the crazy glue of devotion. Even when we were hell-fire angry with each other, there was never any thought of going our separate ways. I really don't think anything could have separated us.
Many times Vann told me that he would never have survived the years after his divorce without me. It was a horrible time for both of us--but it was hell for him. And I know he helped me survive some hard times in my life as well. We always thought that because we were friends first, before we were lovers, that our bond was stronger.
Weeks, months after I survived that horrible time (and for a while last fall, I thought I wasn't going to), Vann's friends started coming forward and telling me what he had told them in his last days. They assured me that his thoughts were of me, just me. He made everyone promise to make sure I would be taken care of. He knew that when push came to push harder, I could always take care of myself. I'd done it before and could certainly do it again. But we had both been through the tough times. He didn't want any more of that for me, especially now with the physical issues I was dealing with. We had survived together, and together we'd stay, even after he was gone. He left complete instructions to "Make sure Suzie is taken care of," with everyone--from the preacher to the neighbors, his children, my children, his best friends, everyone.
That might not sound unusual to most of you. But to me, when I learned that my husband's only concern during the last days of his life, during the unimaginable pain and indignity that he went through, his all-consuming thoughts were that I would be completely cared for after he was gone, why that's just amazingly humbling to me.
I love you, Boo, my dear and cherished partner, my husband, my life. My friend and neighbor Melissa and I were talking of you just the other day. She reminded me that we would see you again soon. I can't wait, my love. I just can't wait. What a day of rejoicing that will be, huh?
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On 08/31/2010, Donna said ...
Susan,
Somehow we survive losing a loved one as hard as it is. I still take one day at a time. Thinking of you!
Hugs,
Donna
On 08/31/2010, Nichole Webb said ...
Love to you Susan. It is no wonder that he cared so much for you :) You are a BLESSING!
On 08/31/2010, Carol said ...
Susan, What a blessing to hear from Vann's friends additional confirmation of his wonderful love for you.
Mister and I are coming up to 9 years of marriage, ours is not a first marriage for either of us. Like you and Vann, we were friends first. It really does make a difference, doesn't it.
Know that I am lifting you up in prayer this week. God bless you, He is your strength.
On 08/31/2010, Barbara Anne said ...
What a great love you and Vann shared and share. You and he were blessed to find each other in this big world and how sweet it was for him to keep your well being in mind and in his heart.
Bless your heart, dear.
Love and hugs - Barbara
On 08/31/2010, Ruth said ...
Thankyou again for sharing, Susan. You were very blessed to share your life with Vann. His memory lives on through you all.
Ruth
On 08/31/2010, Lesly said ...
My husband of 24 years and I had a silly spat this morning. Reading your post made me want to rush home and hug his neck. Thank you for reminding me what is important. And may you find peace and comfort in the memory of Vann's deep love for you.
On 08/31/2010, Mary said ...
What a beautiful post. Your words really touched me for many reasons. Yes, you are strong and have wonderful friends. May you have greater peace day by day. Life is so precious and I hope you can continue to find joy in every day that God gives us. Smile - you are loved. Take Care.
On 08/31/2010, CarlaHR said ...
Oh Susan, reading this post brought tears to my eyes. Once in a while it helps to have a reminder of how important loving and understanding your partner is. Enjoy your memories but don't be in too much of a rush to join Vann in the hereafter - he'll wait for you patiently - I don't think that you're done here quite yet.
Sincerely yours,
Carla HR
On 08/31/2010, Kelly Ann said ...
The only thing I can offer is hugs from afar....
On 08/31/2010, Kai said ...
Despite the tears cascading over my round cheeks, I will go ahead & comment. You & Vann HAVE the best & most rare kind of love, my friend - the kind that transends his crossing over. Your love lives in your memories of him & of the two of you together, in your family & friends, in your heart, and in knowing you will ALWAYS be linked. I love you so much, & you WILL make it through this milestone. Of that, I am 100% certain!
On 08/31/2010, Karla said ...
You are doing a fabulous job and I think Vann is still with you every minute.
Karla
On 08/31/2010, Joanne said ...
Why does it make me cry to see such enduring love? I guess it's just easy to make an old woman like me shed tears, even over good and happy things.
I pray for you daily, and will do moreso in the days ahead. I love you, Suzie.
On 08/31/2010, Debra said ...
What a poignant post today. I cannot believe it is already a year-you have come a long way and you make Vann proud every day.
On 08/31/2010, k&c's mom said ...
This was a wonderful post. Praying for you in the days ahead. You are an incredibly strong and inspiring woman.
On 08/31/2010, Vreni said ...
Reading your beautiful post made me well up. It made me think I should appreciate what we have more. Then I remember this: Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all! All best wishes Vreni
On 08/31/2010, sylvia weitzel said ...
{{{{{SUSAN}}}}}
On 08/31/2010, kayellen said ...
Thinking of you sweet Susan...and I feel as if I knew Vann just from our blogging friendship over the past two years..what a blessing you are!!
and you will see Vann again in a heavenly place
:)
xoxo
Kay Ellen
On 08/31/2010, quiltmom( anna) said ...
When we lose our loved ones there are spaces that can not be filled and that is so that we are remembered. The joy and the love that you shared with Vann has continued to give you strength and comfort over this past year. Even though it has been painfully difficult, you have found a way to enjoy the things life brings you. May you continue to find yourself surrounded by the love and laughter of your loving friends and family. Poignant touching post Susan. Thinking of you.
Warmest regards,
Anna
On 09/01/2010, Patti Koosed said ...
What a wonderful post Susan.
Thank you for sharing . Vann sounds like a very wonderful husband. I am sure you do miss him .
Yes there will be a day when you will be together again.
Bless Your heart
On 09/01/2010, Carol said ...
Susan what a beautiful post...a love like that transcends everything. Sending huge hugs. You take care.
On 09/01/2010, Lallee said ...
Thinking of you, Susan,
Hugs,
Lallee
On 09/01/2010, Beverly said ...
Vann's love for you was everlasting. I think he must see you from Heaven, and feel very proud of his Susie.
Love to you, dear Susan.♥
On 09/01/2010, Ashleigh Burke said ...
A year a lot of things happen in a year... Some of us grow up, get married and move out. Some of us get older but wiser and learn that they have more family than they ever thought. In this last 12 months I have lost 3 people I loved like family and miss everyday but I have also gained a new family by marriage. I've moved to a new state and grown a lot as a person and a soul. I may not have the chance to touch as may lives as Vann did but I know he touched mine. He made me realize everyone is a gift no matter how awkward they are. I'll mark this day with three candles and all the love I have for the loved ones of those who are in heaven watching us now.
I love you Susie and wish I could give you a huge hug right now.
Love Ash
On 09/01/2010, Cam said ...
You've been in my prayers as well as everyone on this blog and your friends and family's. It's faith and prayers that give us the strength to be brave - and you are.
Hugs, Cam
On 09/01/2010, mom2fur said ...
Susan, what a beautiful testimony of true love. I'm sure there is comfort knowing that, the next time you are together, there will be no tearing you apart!
On 09/01/2010, Deb said ...
Hi Susan, I hope you were able to make it through yesterday with anticipated joy of seeing Vann again rather than with sadness on the 1-yr anniversary. Thinking of you during this time...
On 09/01/2010, Creative Recreation said ...
Just shows that writing by way of knowledge brings so a lot depth and relevance to types readers. Thank you for sharing.
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