Thank you all for your encouragement and support. I'm still sort of running in the "bird balls" mode today. Don't want to do anything except sit here and stare into space and remember. I'm bored with all this makeover stuff and just want to settle into a routine. Something like sewing in the morning, reading in the afternoon. Or vice versa.
I got to thinking last night about the holidays. It's almost September--and you know how fast the holidays arrive after it gets to be September. So I panicked. I want to hold a big family Thanksgiving or Christmas (or both) dinner here this year. And the way I feel these days, I think I probably need to start getting ready now. It seems to take me an inordinate amount of time to complete the smallest task.
But first I have to get through "the anniversary." How can it already have been a year? It seems he was just here. I wonder if Sophie has forgotten him. I doubt it. I still won't say the word "PopPop" in her hearing.
There's something about this approaching one-year anniversary that scares me. It's not the reminder of his death so much. It's more like: all right now, you've had a year to grieve. You have to put it all behind you now and get on with your life. What does that mean, get on with your life? Does it mean he's not a part of my life anymore? See, that's what I don't want to face. That's why I refer to "our house," "our yard," "our friends." I don't want to admit that there is no more "our." That it's just me now--well, me and the dogs. A year is enough time to fantasize about waking up and telling him that I had an awful dream about him dying. Enough time to imagine the sound of his truck pulling into the driveway. But I'm afraid to let go of that. It feels like I'm letting go of him.
Well, but on a perkier note, I'm linking to Sue's Rednesday Party to cheer us all up after my downer post. Nothing cheers like the color red--unless it's a brownie sundae or a quilting retreat with friends or some good praise music. But there's none of that around here right now, so let's settle for Sue's red offerings. Go on over and see what you see.
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On 08/11/2010, Lavender Dreams said ...
I am keeping your in my prayers...I know how hard it can be. And there's no easy answer to what you're facing. In a way a year sounds like a long time...but really it goes by in a flash. You'll find your groove! Hugs! Diane ♥♥♥
On 08/11/2010, Barbara Anne said ...
Dear heart,
Grief has no time limits or an imposed end time. As you've found out, it comes and goes and that's probably how it will continue, becoming ever more gentle. You don't have to let go of anything.
My mother told me that. She stayed in "their" house for 12 years after Dad died and when she bought a different house back in the neighborhood where she grew up and where her sister lived, she was sad to leave "their" house. I told her Dad would know to come to the new house.
Your pieced heart is wonderful! Feel the love and be at peace. You'll be okay.
Hugs!
On 08/11/2010, Ruth said ...
Susan, I think that things can still be "ours" as Vann was such a large part of your life . I'm sure that Sophie still misses Vann and has probably told Skipper about her Poppop.
These sad days will pass, just go with them and positive things will result.
Sending hugs and prayers your way.
Ruth
On 08/11/2010, Donna Erickson said ...
My husband died 22 yrs ago (@ the age of 39 from a heart attack) when our boys were 5 and 11.
His death and absence have defined us almost as much as his presence in our lives did. There's not a day goes by in which one of us doesn't think of him; I suspect ME, most of all. The people we love live on..whether they do, in this reality, or not.
I promise, there DOES come a day when you start saying "my" and 'Mine" more than 'ours'...it will happen, but that doesn't mean you won't be using a different pronoun in your heart.
Be gentle with yourself - and take all the time you need.
On 08/11/2010, Dandelion Quilts said ...
Susan, I am thinking of you during this difficult time.
On 08/11/2010, cotty said ...
I'm out of words. This post is beautiful. Thanks for sharing you heart with all of Us. You brought tears to my eyes. My husband is a combat veteran, his health has declined as the years past, he is still very young, and sometimes while he sleeps I wonder what would I do if something happen to Him.
You are now in my prayers.
Cotty
On 08/11/2010, Alison in UK said ...
There is no time limit on grief, I'm sure this one year anniversary is weighing heavily on you and stopping you in your tracks. The anticipation is often worse than the event itself, but be gentle on yourself until it has passed. Barbara Anne has said it very well. I don't think a year is very long at all after someone very close and special has died, I would expect things to get easier after the first year as most of your "firsts" without them have passed, but "easier" isn't "finished". Take care of yourself.
On 08/11/2010, Kai said ...
You are traveling a road we ALL have to travel at some point. But I believe - & I mean I TRULY believe - the journey never ends. It gets EASIER, and there are more 'remembering SMILES' than 'remembering tears' after a while. But I think that happens about the time we realize our loved one is walking right beside us on the journey. They are NEVER left behind and WE are never left alone. My lil' sister who crossed over in the mid 90s and my beloved grandfather who crossed in 1960, are ALWAYS around me. Vann will be with you always. I love you, Susan!
On 08/11/2010, Joanne said ...
Susie, this post made me cry, and laugh also. So many memories!
On 08/11/2010, Kerrie said ...
I thank God for every day I have with my husband and fear every day that I will lose him soon. It is an awful and lonely place to be--unless you have been there, like you. I love that you loved your hubby so, as we are the same. We are half of each other--together the whole. Luv you much, it is a long road but you will make it. Blessings, Kerrie
On 08/11/2010, Teresa said ...
(((Susan))) you expressed so well what I was feeling yesterday. My mom died in December and I have been cleaning out some of her things the last few weeks. With each thing I give away or part with, just seemed another piece gone. Yesterday it hit me so hard... the sense of loss..I just wanted to sit down and have a cup of coffee with her one more time. Its hard to let go of the material items, but Thank God we never have to let go of the memories and emotional bond that will last forever.
On 08/11/2010, Sylvia Weitzel said ...
Oh Susan, my dear and beautiful friend. Your post has me in tears. I am remembering what we have just gone through and how I thought I was going to lose him. You helped me through my time of need and I only wish I could take away your grief. I am so sure he is with you and always will be. The ladies above have said it better than I ever could. Love you Susan and I am sending soft hugs and prayers to you!
~Sylvia
On 08/11/2010, Jan Maniatis said ...
I've only recently begun to read your wonderful blog. It's filled with hominess and warmth and I'm sure we could be fast friends. I am so sorry about your loss. It's so hard to adjust and have things feel like they are in the right place after losing your dear. My prayers are with you today and from what I've seen on your blog, you have pluck and spirit and God will show you the way. Be encouraged, jan
On 08/11/2010, Lily said ...
I am so sorry for your loss. What you are describing is so familiar to me, I've been there and done that. It has been 5 years since my mother died at too young of an age (61) and it takes a while. Books got me through. You don't need to be creative, you can just get lost in a story. worked for me. I'm sure you will find something that will help you too. Meanwhile, prayers for you.
~Lily
On 08/11/2010, LaVoice said ...
My first visit to your blog. I enjoyed it very much. Sorry you are going through down times, but it will get better. Sometimes we have to wait a little longer, but there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Take care.
On 08/11/2010, Sally said ...
I'm so very sorry for your loss. Anniversaries are very tough and the very first one, the most. Sending you lots and lots of hugs. Don't pay any attention to anyone else's timetable, or even your own ideas of where you should be - grieving and healing have their own schedules. Be gentle with yourself.
Sally
On 08/11/2010, Jan said ...
Big hugs to you sweetie as you brace yourself for the 1 year Anniversary of your Honey's entrance into Heaven. It's not an easy day ... I can attest to that fact; but it is the ending of all the "firsts," and I pray that knowing that will give you some sense of peace. Big hugs coming your way :)
Oh and I adore the Rooster Recipe Box below!!! That is the cutest thing ever.
On 08/11/2010, Carol said ...
Susan,
I am going to keep you in my prayers. The one year anniversary is a big thing. I knew it was coming up quickly.
Keep us updated.
On 08/11/2010, k&c's mom said ...
You've been so helpful to me this year with your encouragement. I'm praying for you as the anniversary nears. Everyone goes through it a different way. I think you've been so brave this year Please keep us informed as the day draws nearer, sweet bloggy friend.
On 08/22/2010, Courtney Short-Prudhomme said ...
i can't imagine what it must be like and how you must miss him.. and you never fail to remind me that I should be thankful for that knuckle head that I get so frustrated with sometimes.. there may come a time when I wish he was here to do those little annoying things, and love and hug and kiss me. Just know that all of us, as your friends love you dearly and hope that that helps at least a little :-) *hugs*
Do you ever wonder if Vann sent Skipper to you? Knowing you need some extra support at this time of year?? Funny how things work out that way.. same thing happened with my grandma when my grandpa passed away. I think he's making himself at home.. it's like he knew he was supposed to be there :-)
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