I'm trying to come up with a word or phrase to say how I feel today. I see this basket of beautiful orbs containing bird likenesses that I found at a yard sale this summer. Bird balls, I think. I don't know what it means, but it sounds like how I feel.
I seem to have hit a snag creatively. I feel like my brain is on a merry-go-round. I can't focus. And I can't get my sewing room organized to save my life--too much stuff. I feel like I have too many dogs. There's a rash on my legs that won't go away. The kitchen won't stay cleaned up. My bed needs making. Every time I make the bed, for some reason I think, If I were the only person left in the world, would I still make my bed? I lost two pounds, then gained one back. I feel like I forgot something important. I think I need a haircut. I need to call the carpet cleaner but i don't want to deal with that.
You see, it just goes on and on. I can't stick with one thought long enough to get anything done. Bird Balls!
Speaking of which, I just love birds. There are so many birds around The Yellow House, sometimes I feel like I live in an aviary. I fill the bird feeder, turn around twice, and it's empty. The hummingbirds fight incessantly over their feeder spouts. We have mockingbirds, robins, sparrows, titmouses, woodpeckers, cardinals, blue jays, doves, Canada geese, crows, nuthatches, wrens, thrashers, blue birds, thrushes, finches, hummingbirds, and probably others that I don't recognize.
A mockingbird built a nest in the eave of our porch and fledged two young'ns. Some other bird (probably another mocker) built a nest in one of the holly bushes, and Sophie murdered the two babes (and ate one) before they were old enough to fledge. You probably didn't want to know that.
Why do I continue to refer to things around here as "our?" Our porch, our house, our yard? Sometimes I feel that Vann has never left; I'm just waiting for him to return from Lowe's or Wyoming or somewhere. In a couple of weeks, we'll mark the one-year anniversary of his death. Wonder what he would think of Skipper? And the preponderance of pinkish walls around here?
I''m rambling. I know I am. But that's the best I can do for a blog post today. Maybe I'll accomplish something today and be able to tell you all about it tomorrow. And maybe not. Bird Balls!
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On 08/10/2010, Wendy said ...
Nice to read your ramblings. Some days are just perfect for doing so.
On 08/10/2010, Ruth said ...
Sounds like you need to sit in a comfy seat, put your feet up and just watch the birds or lose yourself in a good book.
As regards your sewing room, have you triedt he one drawer or cupboard a day approach?
Be nice to yourself Suasn, you'll also be feeling anxious as the anniversary of Vann's death approaches.
Hugs Ruth
On 08/10/2010, Mary said ...
Bird Balls it is! Oh, how I relate to what you say you are feeling. I think I could have written some of your post for you. And, about the sewing/project room - sometimes I wonder if I will ever have it anywhere near what it was in the past or what I would accept in the present. I am having my first cup of coffee this morning and I have a headache and I am dizzy (probably from my recent head injury) and I am tired of being tired. I am sure your days will get better and so will mine. And, yes, take good care of yourself around Vann's one year date and surround yourself with lots of love. I'll be sending mine through some positive energy. Take Care.
On 08/10/2010, Stephanie said ...
I love Bird Balls! Hang in there. We all have days like this. You probably need a break...get away from it a little...go to a good movie that's really FUNNY....do something that will really take your mind off everything. For me, that always used to be a horseback ride in the back country. But, alas, we sold our horses. I'm still trying to find the thing I can substitute for that. Usually sewing does the trick for me.... I can't imagine how it feels to lose your loved one like that. I am sure it's difficult. Take care of yourself.
On 08/10/2010, Jackie Hicks said ...
It just seems like one of "those" days that will just sneak up on you - find a sympathetic friend and have a girls day out to take you mind off all the clutter at home - it can all wait until a better day.
Hang in there!
On 08/10/2010, Cam said ...
I guess I could have written your post too. I can't seem to get things together. I haven't been in my sewing room for months. I do need to do some mending but I've got Scarlet O'Hara syndrom about that and just about everything else. I keep thinking the weather has gotten me down and I'll feel more like myself come fall. I'm hanging on to that thought.
Maybe you should get your rash looked at. You could have scratched or rubbed against a mean weed.
Cam
On 08/10/2010, Cam said ...
I keep finishing things before I'm finished:
I wanted to also say that I think Vann is looking down at you with love and approval. You are fixing the house like you want it.
On 08/10/2010, Helen said ...
A bit selfish of me to feel better :-) after reading your post....rather like saying "Misery likes company" but it really helped my mood to read this since I feel that you are such a strong person who gets it done. I have been in a grand funk for the past month since our daughter was married and don't even know why (since she married a wonderful young man). Everything seems to be too much effort and every day just a repeat of the same....depression? looking for ways to feel better that are healthier than what I am doing. Think that I will adopt the attitude that this whole episode I am going through it just birdballs! Thanks for writing this Susan!
On 08/10/2010, Brenda Kula said ...
I loved your "rambling." I found it quite entertaining. When I can't get a room organized, it seems like my mind taunts me about it. Everything then feels chaotic, because in the back of my mind all the time is the realization of that disorganized room. But then again, menopause plays crazy tricks on me too.
Brenda
On 08/10/2010, Kai said ...
I hereby declare, "Bird Balls!" as the official oath of all females! It is definitively 'frustrated' sounding while still maintaining a modicum of femininity! LOL! On top of all THAT, it's funny, cute, and gets the job DONE! I agree with the masses, by the way. I ALSO get these 'stuff is just too MUCH' and I want to do everything but at the same time don't want to do ANYTHING. And I SO agree that you may be going through some sort of anxiety as the anniversary of Vann's passing gets nearer. But, sweet lil' Susan, Vann IS there with you. You said you wonder what he'd think of the pink walls & of Skipper. I believe he would have rolled his eyes at the walls were he there in body, but LOVES them for YOU & is HAPPY you painted them. And Skipper? Who is to say that Skipper's sudden appearance in your life wasn't Vann's GIFT to you? I love you, and I think you are a TREASURE. Take CARE of you and do what you FEEL like doing till you feel like doing MORE.
On 08/10/2010, Joanne said ...
All this confusion will pass away. Suddenly you'll have a non-Bird Balls day, and everything will look do-able again. Love - Una
On 08/10/2010, Sandy said ...
Sounds like you've got what I've got - ADD - Attention Deficit Disorder!! Can't focus. Lack of organization. The list goes on and on. I went in my sewing room recently to make an apron. Started 4 other projects, finished none of them and didn't even start on an apron!! Yikes!! There are lots of us out here in the same shape you're in so at least you're in good company. Praying tomorrow is a better day for you.
On 08/10/2010, Charlene said ...
One of the books I read on surviving widowhood advised that there are just some days when you need to go to bed with a sad book, potato chips, chocolate and your favorite drink with the tv on a sad movie and just wallow in your sorrow. Tomorrow is another day and you will feel different. Maybe not better but different. Acknowledge your feelings and keep surviving. We can't be Susie Sunshine all the time - But we can survive the deepest hurts.
On 08/10/2010, Debby Messner said ...
As I was reading your post I was thinking, I wonderif the anniversary of your husband passing is soon. I think that's what is going on. Too many memories of that time. Wish I had advice for you. Anniversaries are really hard. Van is still in your heart and looking over you. ((((HUGS)))
On 08/10/2010, Barbara Anne said ...
Hi sweetie,
Love the bird balls and the meaning of rolling one thing to another like a bird-brain, perhaps?! I hear you! I call it dithering when I'm all at sea and I think of Aunt Clara on Bewitched. In her honor, I have a crystal door knob in my living room!
Methinks it's your subconscious awareness of the approaching anniversary of Vann's death, the undercurrent of the sadness and worry you were dealing with a year ago, and the realization of what has changed in your life, the welcome and the unwelcome.
I imagine Vann gets a huge kick out of the changes in your home as if he's looking in and thinking "Ha! Look at that!!" and "That looks comfortable." and "Pink?? Whodathunk it?!"
Be gentle with yourself as the calendar marches towards September and honor yourself, the love you and Vann shared, and that you still share.
Hugs!
On 08/10/2010, Janean said ...
we're blaming our *blahs* and constant state of tiredness and not-caring on August. why not? LOL.
ya can't force creativity. it doesn't come to a tired or bored mind, but it'll drop in one day (or night) unexpected, but welcomed!
On 08/10/2010, Mary said ...
I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you're going thru a rough patch. The other ladies nailed it, i think, when they said you are probably gearing up for the pain that will hit around the anniversary mark of your precious husband's passing. I'm praying for you.
I love birds, too. And we feed flocks of 'em in our back yard. We feel the same thing: What? I just filled that! We have two large seed feeders, 2 large h-bird feeders, and an Oriole feeder. One little h-bird thinks they all belong to him and he's also the fattest h-bird you've ever seen! He literally sits on the feeder all day and naps 'til another bird comes up to eat. Then he chases them off. We get so mad at him, we've threatened to geet a squirt gun to chase him off. Birdballz!
Lord bless you, Susan~
On 08/10/2010, AnnieO said ...
Focus is hard sometimes, especially when time seems to both stand still and yet not let you catch your breath because it passes so quickly! Personally I think you have been focusing A LOT in the last two months and maybe need a little breather :) Vann IS there, in your love and remembrance, so to me "our" doesn't seem a pronoun out of place in your thoughts and descriptions! Take care.
On 08/10/2010, cielo said ...
I think that someone very special sent me here tonight... oh lift up your eyes, go get your hair cut, plant some flowers, think and act positively, and while doing that, don't forget to count your blessings...
Look up dear Susan... Bird balls? See them transformed in magical bubbles…
Love
Cielo
On 08/11/2010, mrs. m said ...
Your have a nice blog here with pretty collections and worth-reading ramblings... I enjoyed my visit and decided to be a follower.
Blessings!
P.S. I'm having a giveaway due on 15th. You might want to check it out :-)
On 08/11/2010, Pat said ...
My close friends and I have a "thing" about birds and well, anyway - it's okay to have one of those days. Try to just have a "day off." Look at all the neat things you HAVE done! And yes, you are approaching the anniversary of Vann's death and your heart and soul know it. Remember the One who comforts above all. You're in my prayers.
On 08/11/2010, Jayme, The Coop Keeper said ...
Lord have mercy, we are on the same page! I'm up one day, busy, feeling good and focused, and the next day - I'm staring at the walls again not wanting to do a ding dang thing! I had a hot flash last night. I'm scared.
On 08/15/2010, Debra said ...
I was just thinking the other day that isn't it a coincidence that Skipper appeared so close to the date of Vann's death? Surely he was sent to you, surely.
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