Sometimes I feel like I live in a cross between a tv sitcom and an episode of "The Sopranos." Yesterday was a particularly trying day. After the episode with Andy's car was all settled, more drama came into my life that brought on all kinds of emotions: anger, sadness, anxiety, frustration, uncertainty. And to add to my bad mood, the weather only got worse. It was definitely an evening to stay in.
But I had planned to attend the opening session of my women's Bible study group's new Beth Moore study. It's entitled "Living Beyond Yourself." Somehow I rallied, got myself presentable, and slogged through the monsoony night to the church.
Veronica, our fearless leader, had prepared a dinner fit for a queen: some kind of wonderful chicken casserole, her signature green beans, salad, and a couple of diet-breaking desserts.
After our meal, Veronica gave us a brief introduction to the course, we had prayer, then we all settled in for an hour of Beth on the big screen. The lady was in rare form; she spoke directly to me. If I didn't know better, I would believe that video was prepared way in advance for the very purpose of lifting me up and giving me hope last night. God works in mysterious ways, we all know that.
Beth spoke on how if left to our own devises we would never be able to do and endure the things we must. But with God's Holy Spirit living inside us, we become Superwomen, able to leap tall buildings at a single bound, metaphorically speaking. My metaphor, not Beth's.
And not only are we able to endure drama and hardships, grief, disappointment, and frustration, "foolishness and mayhem," we can do it with joy. Vann was a perfect example of that. During his 10-month illness, he never lost his joy. And I never lost mine, although mingled in with my joy was sometimes lots of fear and sadness. There were times in my role as caregiver that I didn't think I would be able to do it another day. But God gave me just enough strength and endurance, and we made it.
On my own, I would not have been able to do what I did throughout Vann's illness. But God took me beyond my human frailties and inabilities, beyond my physical strength and the debilitating effects of fibromyalgia. Of course, my body pretty much has fallen apart since I'm no longer required as caregiver. Some might see the physical problems I've been through--three-weeks of flu, another cold shortly after, fibromyalgia, tendonitis, back problems--as evidence that I have pushed too hard to keep going. I don't see it that way. I believe these problems would have put me down sooner had I not asked God to keep me strong and healthy in order to be there for Vann.
It was an honor for me to be able to serve as my husband's caregiver, and I told him so time and again. I never wanted him to feel like he was a burden to me, although sometimes I know he did. I know if our roles had been reversed he would have cared for me just as I did for him. I never understood the bond of love between a man and a woman until Vann. Thank you, God, for that bond. Thank you for Vann. And thank you for the message you gave me last night through your servant Beth Moore. If I endured the last months of my husband life, with your help I can make it through any dramas and aggravations that life throws at me--and I can keep my joy in the process.
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On 02/05/2010, Jan said ...
What a beautiful post Susan and I couldn't agree with you more on all fronts! My Husband has been disabled for 5 long years now with each year finding him worse than the one before. During the first 2 years of it and although we didn't know it at the time, our Daughter was living the last period of her life and was sick 95% of the time. For the last 2 years, our business of 25 years has been trying to stay afloat w/this wicked economy and w/o my Husband's leadership. There are truly days when I don't think I can go on; but somehow, someway, God blesses me with that strength, and onward I go! There is no way I could live my life without Him leading the way. Thanks so much for that reminder :)
On 02/05/2010, Wendy said ...
You are an inspiration; I'm blessed to have found your blogsite for my daily reading. Be well. W.
On 02/05/2010, Tina said ...
Vann was a very lucky man to have had you as his wife. You are an inspiration.
On 02/05/2010, Rian said ...
Thank you for this post. It made my heart happy. I have walked through a few years of my husband's ongoing illness and sometimes I don't think I can do it one more day, and yet somehow I do.
On 02/05/2010, Sherry Whisenhunt said ...
I'm glad you found comfort in the study group. You could read it for yourself, but being with a support group is comforting.
Identifying your metaphor reminded me of one of my first papers when I went back to college. The teacher was reviewing it with me, and she questioned me about something I wrote. I said, "Those are my words." She said, "Oh! Nice phrasing."
I'd love to read some of your work. Your sisters are so DEEP with their poetry. I'm afraid mine is just whimsical and fun, not very deep, but I do like to play with writing. I started a novel about 12 years ago; of course, I couldn't start with a short story, had to write a saga--well, my arm went out, and I had to quit writng for a while, and never got back to it. I did start my memoirs ;), started from my earliest memories but only got to the early to mid fifties. I should probably do a trilogy --that might work.
On 02/05/2010, Donna said ...
Wonderful post! God is in control and he is always with us every step of the way. Take care.
Blessings,
Donna
On 02/05/2010, kayellen said ...
OK Susan, you have me tearing up!!
I have been wanting to read Beth's book~~You have inspired to do so now!!
I agree~~~ I am nothing with out my relationship with Jesus:)he carries me through each day of my life.
xoxo
Kay
On 02/05/2010, Beverly said ...
Susan, thank you so much for sharing this experience. I can look back on so many times that I know I only got through by God's grace.
On 02/05/2010, Barbara Anne said ...
Bless your heart, sweetie! You are right, when we're listening, there are words that we need to hear right then. Awesome to have a personal messages out of the blue, isn't it?
If you've ever read about the toll caregiving takes on the caregiver, I'm here to tell you that falling apart and getting sick with this and that is par for the course once the caregiver is no longer giving that care. It just all catches up with you.
Sending hugs!
On 02/05/2010, Ruth Landon said ...
Thankyou for another wonderful post. It was fortunate that you had your Bible Study last evening, it was just what you needed after your horrendous day.
We must all always remember that we"never walk alone".
Ruth
On 02/05/2010, Lavender Dreamer said ...
I'm so glad you felt blessed by the Beth Moore video. She is a remarkable woman, full of God's spirit. She is special to me and always a blessing. ♥
On 02/05/2010, Kai said ...
Early this morning before I headed out for errands, I read your previous post & smiled that you went straight to Andy's rescue. You are an amazing mom, just as you were an amazing wife to Vann & an amazing (sort of) mom to lil' Sophie. My ONLY gripe is - heehee - I cannot get the song out of my round head. My sis used to sing that a LOT and I know the verses by heart. This post just verified what we all know - we are not 'doing' this life by ourselves. We are held up, PROPPED up sometimes, and prodded along with gentle love & determination by someone WAY more powerful than we are. And just when we think we can't find the strength or will or even the motivation to do another thing or take another step, we DO. And we really don't even NEED to wonder why. It's humbling and gratifying at the same time. It's Thanksgiving year round.
On 02/05/2010, Ramey Channell said ...
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.'
Philippians 4:13
Yahoo!
On 02/05/2010, Nancy Keizer said ...
Susan, I emailed you awhile back after my husband, Hank passed away to tell you how much your blog has helped me. I never cease to be amazed at how similiar our lives are going with the physical problems (although I do not have fibromyalgia) and the emotions. People ask me how I am doing and I tell them that with the Lord's help as he walks with me each day. I also have 2 little chihauhau's to keep me company (they were Hank's)and busy. I miss Hank often and even though we had 2 and half extra years to talk about things I find myself wanting to ask him this or that or tell him something. I miss our conversations and discussions. One of my daughters (have 4 and 1 son) asked me to put together a book of my memories so I am trying to do that with pictures, etc. Thanks for writing the blog, Nancy
On 02/05/2010, Debra Spincic said ...
Very touching and very true! You are an inspiration.
On 02/05/2010, Pat said ...
Thank you! Thank you! How I needed to read your words today!!! As I told a dear friend recently, I just have to pray that God will stand in FOR me, because I can't do things in my own strength. He is there before me, beside me, within me, lifting and encouraging, comforting and keeping me. Bless you, dear one, for sharing your heart with us.
On 02/06/2010, Sally said ...
Love Beth Moore - I did the Fruit of the Spirit study a few years ago and hope my church does another one soon.
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