In so many ways, September 2009 was a horrible month, a month of grief, heartbreak, disappointment, and illness. A month that I certainly don't want to do over, unless I could change the outcome.
But in some ways, this September has been a month of joys--the utter joy of thinking of sweet Vann enjoying the wonders and glories of Paradise, the joys of seeing so many friends come to the memorial to celebrate Vann's life, the joy of feeling love poured out on me from not just close-by friends and family but also from blogging friends all over the world. The humble joy of knowing that the battle that Vann and I fought and the way in which we fought it has touched and inspired so many. The joy of knowing that God was with me through every scary, frustrating, and painful moment of the past year.
There are many things I haven't accomplished in this very long month. I haven't finished the thank you notes, I haven't got my house returned to order, I haven't learned not to cry when a friend asks, "How are you doing?" But I have found that if I put one foot in front of the other, I can make progress. I've learned that you never lose the love you've given and received; it becomes a part of you. I've learned that prayer is truly food for the soul. I would have died without it.
I have dreaded this day, but now that it's here I find it's not as bad as I thought it would be. There are other days ahead that will be worse, I'm sure. Our anniversary is coming up in November. And the holidays. Vann's birthday. All dates on the calendar that take on a whole new meaning now that he isn't here to share them with me. At least not in the way that we're accustomed to sharing. But he's here. He'll be right here, a physical and spiritual part of me, for as long as I remain on this earth.
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On 10/02/2009, Sandy said ...
Amen.
On 10/02/2009, Sharon said ...
("I haven't learned not to cry when a friend asks 'How are you doing?'") - I just want to reassure you that it's ok to cry - and if you're lucky, the friend will be one of those who understands this and lets you cry. I'm so sorry you have had this loss. Grief truly is a price to pay for loving someone. (Lost my sweetie 9 months ago).
On 10/02/2009, Pat said ...
You know God keeps our tears in His bottle. Psalm 56:8
On 10/02/2009, Pat said ...
How timely - then I went over to Antique Mommy (www.antiguemommy.com) and her post for today - "Joy in Hard Places" - would be a blessing to you...
On 10/02/2009, Pat said ...
Sorry - not antigue but antiquemommy.com
On 10/02/2009, Nancy said ...
Susan, When my dad died, my now 21 year old grand son was just 10. I just couldn't stop crying...In between one of my tearful episodes, I looked at his young face watching me, his bottom lip quivering (he was living with us as we raised our 2 oldest grandsons) so he saw every moment of my anguish. I put my arms out to him and he ran to hug me. I of course started crying again but told him how sorry I was I could not stop all this crying and he got on his little knees in front of me, took my hands and said "Grandma, I've been thinking about this and I believe that God gives each of us a certain number of tears for each person we love, so we will keep crying until all the tears He gave us for that person are gone, so it's okay to cry grandma, your supposed too." I will never forget looking at him, so earnest in his explaination. God blesses children with a wisdom beyond our understanding. So you go ahead and cry those tears Susan. I'm certain those God allocated you for Vann aren't used up yet. ((((HUG))))
On 10/02/2009, Jan said ...
Beautiful post my dear and fantastic picture of your honey :) What a handsome man!!! I can certainly understand why you are a bit weary of all the "firsts" that lie ahead; and I so wish I could tell you they would be easy; but I doubt they will. One thing is for certain though, they will come and they will go; and they will inevitably be behind you.
When our Daughter died, we sent "baloons" upwards to Heaven on all those "firsts." A little something that made us feel better! Perhaps there's something out there that you can find to do too :)
I also spent the first year writing to her! Every night before I tried to sleep, I'd spend time with her on my laptop. Another little something that helped me cope. I haven't gone back and read what I wrote, as the thoughts of it are still too painful; but knowing that it is all there waiting for me whenever I'm ready makes me feel good :)
Prayers continuing for you :)
On 10/02/2009, Pam said ...
All those "firsts" are the very hardest. The first Christmas.. anniversary.. birthday. I remember all those firsts.. I keep you always in my thoughts. I think sometimes the crying helps release the emotions a bit and really helps.
On 10/02/2009, Marie said ...
Such a lovely post and beautiful comments too!
Nancy's grandson ~ well he surely blessed my heart!
On 10/02/2009, Antique Mommy said ...
God bless you as you grieve for your spouse. I have walked in your shoes. Wishing you comfort and peace.
On 10/02/2009, Colleen said ...
I totally agree with Sharon, please do not ever apologize for your tears of grief for they are mingled with the tears of love you shared with your dear husband. Through the loss of my niece Jenny, (story on my blog, Oct.1) I depised the word closure --- I felt like it would be closing a door to my soulmate niece who wanted to be just like me and was in many ways.(not all good either)Keep that door open and you will see subtle changes that life does get easier even though never the same. That is what happens when you love with all your heart.
Colleen
On 10/02/2009, Debra Spincic said ...
I hope you never learn not to cry--crying cleanses the soul. Cry all you want and then go out there and holler too.
One of my best and worst nights was when I went out to the backyard that I had then (it backed up to a forest preserve) and I just hollered and carried on--mad, angry, frustrated and hurt. When I was done, I was a pile of mush but the next day dawned like it was supposed to dawn and I had a big burden lifted off my chest. Sometimes you just have to let it out.
On 10/02/2009, Lavender Dreams said ...
I know how hard it can be. Some days are better than others. Hugs to you! I'm glad it's October!
On 10/02/2009, wanda said ...
I came to visit you from Antique Mommy's post. I am so sorry about your Vann. Your life sounds so similar to mine.
Fibromyalgia.....beans in your soup.....love your hubby!
I enjoyed reading your many posts. You're very inspirational in spite of your situation. God is so good to share his wonderful children with us.
Praying for you, new friend.
On 10/02/2009, Kai said ...
I have started three TIMES to post a comment, but what I feel in my heart may not translate well in a few words. Let me see if I can pull out the RIGHT words from my scattered thoughts. First, my precious friend, you have EVERY right to cry and feel reluctance to face the upcoming events & holidays. This year - and maybe next year, too - you will really ache for Vann's PHYSICAL presence. One day, tho' I know you will always MISS him so much, I think you will realize it's ONLY his physical presence you miss still because you will have endured this horrible time of raw grief and be able to literally FEEL him with you at every turn. I BELIEVE THAT! For now & for as long as it takes (and there IS no time limit on grief - it's what YOU say it is) be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel the sadness. Mostly, know for SURE that you have a world of friends out here who truly care about you, Susan. And we will cry WITH you, listen to you, and love you through every single minute of this grieving process. Feel the big hugs I'm sending to you today! I love you!
On 10/02/2009, Linda J.W. said ...
My Prayers are with you always Susan.
Linda W. from Texas
On 10/02/2009, Laurie said ...
I know, it's so hard. My heart goes out to you. Lots of hugs.
On 10/02/2009, Barbara Anne said ...
Ah, sweetie, What a wonderful post. As you know and as others have said, the "firsts" are so difficult. It's not fun, but you'll get thru these special days as uncounted others have over the centuries.
My Grandma used to say, "Tears show clear what the heart holds dear" and "Tears kept inside turn to vinegar." Cry as you need to. People will understand.
Be gentle with yourself. Prayers continue...
Hugs!
On 10/02/2009, Libby Dillard said ...
Awww! What a nice picture of sweet Vann! Saying a prayer for you! Libby
On 10/02/2009, Ruth Landon said ...
Tahnks Susan for sharing so much with us all. Your words are so beautiful and an inspiration to me and Im sure to many more.
As you say you have some tough days ahead but God, and Vann's memories will help you through.
Ruth
On 10/02/2009, Debbie said ...
Awww, honey. My heart hurts for you. I wish I had something to say to take your pain away. Just know I think of you every day.
On 10/02/2009, Anna said ...
Susan,
I agree with you that the only choice one has is to go forward and deal with life one step at a time. I admire your forthright approach to sharing your experience and your willingness to express your feelings in your writings.
When I think about the loved ones I have lost, I also remember that I am celebrating the ways that they were part of my life. As long as I live and remember, then they still live- at least in my heart.
May faith and love from friends and family continue to give you strength when you need to be buoyed up.
Warmest regards,
Anna
On 10/02/2009, Bo said ...
That big grin on Vann's face sure cheered me up this evening!
I know you have probably read this Susan, but it speaks to me and I get a little something different from it each time I read it so I thought it might be OK to post it.
No Person is Ever Truly Alone
by Richard Fife
No person is ever truly alone.
Those who live no more,
Whom we loved,
Echo still within our thoughts,
Our words, our hearts.
And what they did
And who they were
Becomes a part of all that we are,
Forever.
On 10/02/2009, Deb said ...
Susan what a beautiful photo of Vann. Yes you are quite right, Vann will always be with you, in the special place you hold in your heart. The month of September was extremely hard for you but as you say there were so many positives in it also, the biggest being that Vann's life became painless and glorious both at once. It will take time for you to reach the painless and glorious stage but you can and will do it, the main thing is to remember not to push yourself, take the steps you need for yourself even if it is 3 forward and 2 back, it is all growth and strength that you are gaining.
hugs from afar,
Deb
On 10/02/2009, Nicole said ...
Seeing that picture of Vann--it is just unthinkable that he is no longer with you. How could such a thing happen? Every anniversary date will have associated with it so many memories and feelings. I hurt for you. Grieve Susan, grieve. Only time can make this bearable.
On 10/03/2009, Alison Gibbs said ...
Susan that is a beautiful photo of Vann.
Know that my thoughts are with you.
Alison
On 10/05/2009, Patti Koosed said ...
Thinking of you today Susan. My heart aches for you. This picture of your dear sweet Vann is priceless.
God Bless You
Patti
On 10/05/2009, ~Tonya said ...
Dearest Susan,
I love the way you write. You put so much heart and soul into it and what others read, we can almost feel.
Vann is always with you. In your heart, in your mind, in your soul, he is part of you every minute of everyday.
I am sure it is very difficult, I would not know. I have not gone through anything like what you have. But know, how you are working through the pain, by writing and sharing, I am sure you are helping others along the way.
The Peacock as a symbol, I never knew that and the poem, so very pretty. I have not stopped in for a while...so glad that I did today.
That email you received, was perfect. Just what you needed. God works in wonderous ways.
You take care Susan and I think of you and Vann, quite often.
Big hugs,
~Tonya
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