I'm new at this, very new. I have observations. I have questions.
1. There's nothing romantic about being a widow.
2. In olden times, was it not enough that a woman should lose her husband? Did she have to wear ugly clothes as well?
3. Should I stop wearing my wedding ring?
4. When should I start getting rid of his stuff? True, I could use the drawer and closet space, but I think I'd rather have my teeth pulled without anesthetic than give his things away.
5. My throat is sore and my eyes are burning from the tears. But the tears are my friends. They keep me from screaming.
6. I can now decorate the house anyway I like. I can even paint everything pink if I want to.
7. Will I be able to pour those ashes out in Lake Seminole when the time comes?
8. The remote is mine now.
9. I'll have to learn to drive the riding lawnmower. Can't depend on the kindsness of neighbors forever.
10. How do I get rid of the lethargy? I need to put my neglected house back in order, but I can't seem to get started.
11. What do I do with the rest of my life that was supposed to be shared with him?
12. At least he didn't have to see Georgia lose their opening game last night.
13. Is it ok to use humor to get through this? Am I being disrespectful when I laugh?
14. What did I do to deserve him? What did I do to lose him? How will I live without him?
15. Does Sophie know where he is?
16. I know where he is.
17. I wish he were here.
18. Do I have to keep the recliner?
19. What did I forget to ask him? What did I forget to tell him?
20. Thank God, we never forgot to say "I love you."
This post was migrated from the old blog. To see the comments on the original post, CLICK HERE. To add a new comment, click "Post a Comment", below.
On 09/06/2009, Ruth Landon said ...
Susan you are so strong. The questions and statements are natural, its very early days, the answers will come to you when the time is right. Live one day at a time.
You and Vann were so lucky to have each other .
Ruth
On 09/06/2009, Beverly said ...
Susan, my heart is broken for you. Of course, I empathize. I have too wondered how you carry on without the most important person in your life. I wish I could give you a hug, and tell you that the hurt will go away, but you and I both know better. I do know that the constant raw pain will lessen. I also know that a part of your heart is no longer there with you.
You are good, and you are strong. And, your Vann knew it. You will make your way, and you will feel joy. He will be sharing each of those emotions with you. He was a gift for you from God, just as you were God's gift to him. You both lived your love well. He must know that he can always find his Susan in their Yellow House.
You did good. And, you will continue doing good.
I thought of you all day yesterday. My heart ached. Much love to you. Beverly
On 09/06/2009, Molly said ...
You can and you will get through this. Wear your wedding ring, let his belongings alone for now. Take your time, rash decisions are rarely good. By all means use humor as a healing aid! It is from God. And, please don't take to wearing ugly clothes!
Molly
On 09/06/2009, CarlaH said ...
Susan, I totally agree with Ruth. You and Vann were indeed fortunate in the wonderful relationship you shared and it is the memory of those years that you will remember as time goes by. Do as your heart (and physical strength) dictates - everything does not have to be dealt with immediately.
On 09/06/2009, sandy said ...
I'm so sorry Susan.
As others have said ... don't make decisions now. Wear your rings, keep his things. You might want to make a quilt with his clothes not only for yourself but children, grandchildren, siblings.
We're here for you day or night. It takes time. ((((((( hugs )))))))
On 09/06/2009, Margaret said ...
Susan, my heart goes out to you.
Allow yourself as much time as you need to make decisions. Give away or change things when YOU are ready, not when "they" say you ought to be. Wear the ring for the rest of your life if it gives you comfort. Write notes or letters to Vann in a journal. Ask him questions. Answers may come, from memory or other sources. I wish you wisdom, strength, and love.
On 09/06/2009, Donna said ...
Susan, I do know how you feel. It has been 6 long weeks since I lost my Amber suddenly. I am going to leave her room as is. I know it is different for a husband. People ask us if we are going to move. I say no! There are so many memories here in this house. We just completed a huge addition to this house for Amber with a new bedroom and a new roll-in shower in a new bathroom all for her. I have a huge box of her clothes I was going to give away prior to her passing. Now I am going to wait awhile and make a special quilt for her sister and myself. Amber had bought birthday stickers "The Big 30" to scrapbook and her album for her 30th birthday that would have been last Sunday. We had a birthday celebration of her life and I will DO that scrapbook. So just hang in there I know it is tough and life just doesn't seem fair sometimes. So you make your own decisions and do what you feel is right for you. I know from a broken hearted mother. God Bless You!
Donna
On 09/06/2009, Becky L said ...
Susan even though I don't know you, you are in my thoughts daily. Do what's right for you. Don't make quick decisions. Wear your rings and remember all the great things and times. Humor is a good thing. I think Vann would want you chuckling about stuff.
Becky
On 09/06/2009, Frank said ...
Susan..It seems you have many friends that care for you and are giving you some really good advice...It will take time and I might sugggest a support group thru church or someone...I know that helped me when my parents died...
On 09/06/2009, Gayle said ...
I have no idea of how it feels to lose a husband...I cant even begin to imagine, but I will say that after spending a year grieving the loss of my father, you do whatever YOU need to do this year...
...and grieve whenever you get the chance. Grieving is a gift in itself..."to everything there is a season and a purspose under heaven..."
...and thank you for sharing your love of Vann with us...his life has touched our lives.
On 09/06/2009, Judy Cloe said ...
I loved this blog. I think it is wonderful how you are using this to express your deepest feelings and thoughts at such a painful time. It will surely help you through the whole process.
My stepbrother's widow (he also died of pancreatic cancer 10 years ago) had a necklace medallion made out of both of their wedding rings.
My sister died 9 years ago. As she was a widow without children, I was responsible for her ashes. I have been taking some of her with me on all my travels around the world, leaving a part of her in some beautiful gardens and rivers on nearly every continent. No reason all of Vann's ashes have to be put in one place. When the time comes, you will know it.
On 09/06/2009, Carol R said ...
My husband died 20 years ago this past March. He left me with a young son (3 years old) to raise. It does get easier with time, but I still miss him. I had a lot of advice from various people, but the best came from my Mother-in-law (a widow herself, twice over) "When the time is right for you to do something, the Lord will let you know."
On 09/06/2009, Mary on Lake Pulaski said ...
All things that you need to work through, with patience, faith and laughter.
On 09/06/2009, Molly in Sumner, WA said ...
Susan,
My heart goes out to you for your loss. Do whatever it is that makes you feel better. Cry when you need to. Laugh when you need to. There is no rule book for this and nobody can tell you how you 'should' grieve. I will say that sewing is my own personal therapy, so give it a try. Just do some mindless 4-patches and see how you feel.
On 09/06/2009, Lallee said ...
Susan, that is a very provoking list you have written. I do not want to advise--as if I were even able. My response is that I have 3 wishes/prayers for you.
For you to:
1. Grieve well, embrace mourning as long as you know YOU need to. God gives you tears.
2. Laugh well. There is joy and humor in every part of life. God gives you laughter.
3. Don't change or give away anything until YOU are ready. God gives you the seasons.
Thinking of you and continuing to pray.
Hugs,
Lallee
On 09/06/2009, Marie said ...
I totally agree with Molly - especially about humor coming from God and the ugly clothes bit. : )
I'll be praying that the Lord gives you direction, peace & comfort each new day that you face. I also thank God, with you, that you & Vann never forgot to say "I love you" to each other. What a sweet reminder that is to each of us.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6
On 09/06/2009, Pat said ...
Oh, my dear. I have not been down this road so I don't know what to tell you. Except - handle this the way your heart tells you. Yes, humor is great - I loved reading your list and seeing you ask questions we might be afraid to, but still go through our minds. God has your tears in a bottle; He knows every one of them. Keep Writing! Keep doing what you love.
On 09/06/2009, Lavender Dreams said ...
Give everything time. Don't rush into anything that you don't feel like doing and let others help you. I know it was a blessing to have him and it will be hard now but God will give you the strength you need. God bless you and help you through this trying time. Humor is always helpful!
On 09/06/2009, Sherry Whisenhunt said ...
Susan,
You're facing the fear that most women our age dread and handling it the only way you can--that's what's right for you. I learned with my first traumatic loss, my father, that when we grieve, we also laugh. I believe it's God's safety valve that keeps us sane. Otherwise, we would be in such despair that we couldn't bear it. And they would want us to laugh, to smile, to go on with our lives. Probably the greatest fear any of us have in leaving this life is leaving our loved ones behind, leaving them sad, defenseless, lonely. I'm so glad you had him, no matter how briefly.
On 09/06/2009, quiltmom( anna) said ...
Susan,
You will find the answers to your questions as time goes on- the answers will be the ones that are right for you.
Do not rush into any decisions and allow yourself to grieve. You are surrounded by people who care deeply about you- embrace their comfort and love. Vann knew how strong you are- you are learning the depth of your strength too.
Sending you warm thoughts and prayers.
Warmest regards,
Anna
On 09/06/2009, Joan Kennedy said ...
I liked Judy's comment. Wonderful idea she had of taking some of her sister's ashes on all of her travels. You know Vann best and you will know what he would want you to do when the time comes to do it. I also think that the way you are sharing with people on this web site is very healthy for you. Plus, people are able to try to console you with their comments and with their prayers! You, most definitely, are loved!
On 09/06/2009, Mary said ...
Susan, I just pray that God will cover you with His comfort, His courage, and His love...He is now your husband, and will never, ever leave or forsake you. I'm sure you said everything that your sweet husband needed to hear, and if you didn't say it, he knew it anyway. Bless you, sweet Susan!
Mary
On 09/06/2009, Nancy said ...
Susan, I have tried to imagine how I would feel had it been my loss. I can't. The only thing I do know it that my heart hurts so bad for you. You and Vann were so much like Bob and I, even our little dog, Sadie Jo, is a black Schnauzer Poodle mix and believe me when I say she and Sophie are identical...IDENTICAL twins. You and I enjoy the same books and the list goes on. You list of thoughts and questions touched me so deeply that words can't express the feelings that washed over me as I read them. I don't think anyone can answer them except you and the answers will all come when the time is right. I agree with those that say you need to give yourself some time to grieve. I think I would ask myself what Vann would say to each of your questions and dilema's. You will know. For now, please know that you are in my prayers constantly for comfort and peace and my thoughts of you are filled with love.
On 09/06/2009, Karen said ...
Dear Susan - I thought of you this morning as we sang this verse in a hymn I'm certain is familiar to you . . . "When through the deep waters I call thee to go, The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow; For I will be with thee, they troubles to bless, And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress." Laugh when you can, wear your wedding ring as long as you like, and take your time making decisions.
On 09/06/2009, Kristine said ...
When the time comes for you to let go of his things, you'll know. Don't rush yourself.
Wear your ring as long as you like. Momma gave me her wedding set just this year, Dad died Jan. 1 2002.
There's nothing wrong with humor and laughter.
There's also nothing wrong with crying and screaming.
Make yourself a Super Hero cape to wear while cutting grass.
I love you
Kristine
On 09/06/2009, sherri said ...
SUsan you are in my daily prayers and thoughts. I have nothing to say but God hears your prayers.
Love, Sherri
On 09/06/2009, Marie Evans said ...
Susan you are in my prayers and thought.Time is on your side and it will show you what to do and when, there is no rush.God Bless you.Hugs, Marie
On 09/06/2009, Linda J.W. said ...
Susan what can I say that these sweet Lady's
hasn't already said.My prayers are with you.
Keep busy do what you won't to do.
Love You
Linda W.
On 09/06/2009, Deb said ...
Susan ~ only you could have written such a touching blog post as this! I'm copying below a poem that's meant a lot to me...ships are usually known as "she", and that's the way the author wrote this, but I changed it to "he" for Vann.
"I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads his white
sails to the morning breeze and starts
for the blue ocean.
He is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch him until at length
he hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come
to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says;
"There, he is gone!"
"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all.
He is just as large in mast and hull
and spar as he was when he left my side
and he is just as able to bear his
load of living freight to his destined port.
His diminished size is in me, not in him.
And just at the moment when someone
at my side says, "There, he is gone!"
There are other eyes watching his coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout;
"Here he comes!"
And that is dying."
~Henry Van Dyke
On 09/06/2009, Pokey said ...
You made me cry. And laugh. Wear the ring- it just doesn't feel right not to. Keep going. you are in thoughts and prayers. pokey
On 09/06/2009, Alison Gibbs said ...
Susan, so long as you said I love you, then you have nothing to worry about or feel sorry for not doing. Love is all that matters.
There is no right or wrong way to handle widowhood just do what feels right for you.
Vann would not want you moping about he would want you out there getting on with life and enjoying yourself
Alison
On 09/06/2009, Barbara Anne said ...
Hi sweetie,
As has been said, take it a day at a time, laugh all you want to and can because that honors the laughter you two shared, and take you time with all of the rest. There is no hurry to change anything unless you choose to.
My mother said one thing helped her sleep alone and that was a body pillow she bought and put on Dad's side of the bed. One of her friends suggested it. My mother also never took off her wedding rings.
Blessings. May the peace that passes understanding be yours.
Love and hugs - Barbara
On 09/06/2009, Jean Brannon said ...
I have heard that you do nothing different
for at least one year. You will figure it
out as time goes by. Love you, Jean
On 09/07/2009, Debra Spincic said ...
My only advice for you is to REST!
Let everyone help you who can help you. There will come a day when you can return the favor but that day is not now.
Take care of yourself. Vann's things can wait. You've lived with them this long, you can live with them longer. They may prove to be the presence you need right now. Grief is tricky-it runs the full gamut of emotions and you are in for a real roller coaster ride so keep as much normal as you can right now.
Crawl up in that recliner with Sophie and take a big long nap in Vann's arms. I am sure you need it.
Sending love,
Debra
On 09/07/2009, Debra Spincic said ...
All I can suggest for you now is to Rest!
Let those that can help you, help you. One day you can repay the favor but today is not that day.
Crawl up in that big ole recliner with Sophie and have a good long nap in Vann's arms. I am sure you need it. Grief runs the full gamut of emotions and you need life to be as close to normal as possible now. Vann's things can wait. You've lived with them this long, you can live with them longer.
Sending love,
Debra
On 09/07/2009, kim said ...
Susan,
I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!
Reading your posts made me cry and smile. I would definately wear the ring and I loved the idea of making quilts from Vann's clothes.
Big Hugs!
Kim
On 09/07/2009, Mollye Self said ...
Oh Susan, I feel so compelled to share my "widow hood" with you. My hubby died at age 47 3/3/2000 and I was 56. He was my second husband and we'd been married 15 years. He died of liver disease and was a horrible death. I had a faith that saw me through it and I know yours will not fail, but I also adopted some little rituals at bedtime involving sleeping with his shirt, listening to a special tape etc. crying myself to sleep and much praying. I took on two part time jobs to keep busy. I did well in the daytime and eventually began going out with gal friends who were single. In about a year and a half, I began to realize I was still living and began "dating". I re-married in 2004 to a wonderful man and am so blessed. I still visit the grave on special days and keep it up. I miss him but wouldn't want him back as sick as he was and am so thankful I found the most wonderful and kind man I ever imagined to know. Please don't try to put a time limit on anything you do. Just get through each hour and each day as best you can and God will walk with you and when he knows you are strong enought to do certain things, he will let you know. Best wishes to you. Mollye
On 09/07/2009, Kai said ...
I have tried - really TRIED - 3 times to answer this but had to go away a bit & cry my heart out. You are my hero, Susan. There's nothing new I can possibly add to these beautiful, insightful comments except to say follow your heart & grieve in your OWN way & in your own time. And please, when you feel alone, come back to this post & reread the comments. You are so loved, and we - your friends - are HERE for you! I love you!
On 09/07/2009, Lori in SD said ...
So many words of wisdom. Don't lose your humor. Cry when you need to. And the Superman cape, yeah, I like that idea. .
On 09/08/2009, Rian said ...
Your random thoughts are so poignant. Isn't it funny the things that come to mind? Don't forget to laugh. Above all.
On 09/08/2009, Pam said ...
That is such a poignant post. Keep laughing and crying because it is such comfort and you will never ever forget. My heart aches for you. I think the most touching part of the post is - What did I forget to ask him? What did I forget to tell him? You will - years from now - still have things that you want to tell him. My first husband died twenty years ago last June. I cry with you some days when I read your posts. I think of you often.
Pam
On 09/11/2009, *karendianne. said ...
Susan,
I come back to this post again and again. I never comment. You're in a good place - healing. I'm still here because of the example you showed by bearing your truth. With admiration and love, *karendianne.
On 09/15/2009, Laurie said ...
Susan, your post was so bittersweet. The answer to all those "when" and "should" questions is: do it however you want to do it. Wear your ring forever if you want to. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us.
On 09/28/2013, Andy said ...
I don't know what brought me to this post today. I guess I just have Vann on my mind. And, you. Reading this brought everything back. I am crying now. But, reading this post it seems you have figured most of it out. You are doing so good, and I am so proud of you. I love you.
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