I feel compelled to write down the dream I had last night. I so often don't remember enough about my dreams to write them, but this one is still very clear, so here goes.
A recurring theme in my dreams since Vann's death has been that he has left me. Not died; just left. (I have never to my knowledge dreamed of his dying, except before he died.) Last night's dream included the "leaving" theme.
Vann was going in for surgery. Before going, he told me he was not coming back home but was going to return to Camilla to live with his parents. He had decided to take his first wife with him because she's the one that his parents love and he didn't want to make them mad. He asked me to give him back his wedding ring (Reality: I have worn Vann's wedding ring on my right hand since his death), so that his parents wouldn't suspect that he wasn't really married. (Reality: He never wore a wedding ring when he was married the first time.) I let him have the ring.
Vann's wedding ring on the middle finger of my right hand. He had this ring especially made to be his wedding ring when we got married.
Now I was faced with the sad prospect of rebuilding my life without the man I loved and without understanding why he had left. An old friend from my school days shows up with his wife and three sweet little kids to visit me. (Reality: I know the name of this old friend, but I don't want to share it here.) The old friend tells me that he has decided to take a second wife and he very much wants me to be her. He explains that, no he isn't Morman but that his church has recently adopted the practice of having more than one wife. The wife is quite happy with the idea.
I spend time getting to know his wife and children, whom I begin to love very much. The wife likes me too, but the children are a little shy to talk to me. They are more interested in playing with Sophie than in talking to me. Then it comes to light that this wife is really dying of cancer, and he needs a new mom for his kids. This doesn't disturb me; I'm still amenable to the idea of marrying my friend and becoming the children's mom.
A hoard of people show up for a prayer vigil for my friend's dying wife (who looks just fine, btw). Some of these people are ones I know, some I don't know. There is much discussion among the crowd about one person's (something she has grown, I can't remember, I think some kind of squash or pumpkin), which she has brought to share. Among the gathered group is another boy from school days (I know his name too but am not sharing.) He holds my hand and smiles at me. He assures me that there's nothing to worry about here.
In the meantime, my kitchen (which appears to be a kitchen where I lived many years ago) is all junky with dishes and some other things I can't quite see, and I'm embarrassed and try to explain to the friend who wants to marry me that I was in the process of straightening up when he and his family arrived. He assures me that he has no problem with my housekeeping and simply wants me to teach his little girl how to quilt. So I start practicing my quilting while the prayer vigil is going on. But I sew through a blue-and-white china plate by mistake and am in the process of trying to take the stitches out when...
REALITY: Skipper starts his high-pitched barking at something going on outside, and I wake up.
It's hard to explain how these dreams that include Vann's "leaving" make me feel. It's sadness and anger and disbelief and panic all wrapped up into one emotion. It's likely just the grief that I haven't quite put to rest yet. I knew then and still know now that Vann would never have left me, except in death. Maybe I think he went a little too gentle into that good night and didn't rage quite enough. I remember just before his last hospitalization that he said to me, "I think I'm ready to go to God's house." I told him I was not ready. I regret saying that now. It could have made him feel guilty about leaving me, and I would never want to do that. And a friend of his later told me that, in the hospital that last time, Vann told him something that I can't even bring myself to completely share. He was agonizing over the fact of what his illness was doing to me. "It's killing her," Vann told his friend. I can't even tell the rest.
I don't' know why all this is coming back today, although it does come back from time to time, particularly after one of the "leaving" dreams. I don't know if any blog readers will read this. I just wanted it recorded for some reason. Maybe just for me.
(Andy's Happy Birthday Wishes following this.)
This post was migrated from the old blog. To see the comments on the original post, CLICK HERE. To add a new comment, click "Post a Comment", below.
On 02/21/2011, Kai said ...
Well, I definitely read this & - for whatever it's worth - I think it may be a combination of your missing Vann AND a teeny bit of the anger stage of grief. Because anger IS a natural part of grieving! Of COURSE Vann would never have voluntarily left you! He adored you & it was abundantly obvious! Could be that all this comes up because you are tired & feel bad physically and maybe wish Vann were there to take care of you! (He IS there, tho'. I really, really BELIEVE that!) I just LOVE you, Susan!
On 02/21/2011, Mama Pea said ...
Dreams are weird, aren't they? They really get to me when they are so vivid I can remember them so well and can retell them the next day. Always makes me wonder what they mean. Happy pondering...
On 02/21/2011, Ruth said ...
Dreams fasinate me, especially ones that bring in people from long ago in our lives , but put them in the present time. I agree with Kai that your recurring dreams of Vann leaving are part of your grief, also showing that Vann is still a large presence in your life.
Happy birthday to your Andy.
Ruth
On 02/21/2011, Susan Tuttle said ...
Congratulations Susan -- you are the winner of Mary Beth Shaw's new book!!!!! Contact me at susantuttle36@gmail.com with your address, and I will contact Mary Beth. She will send you the book.
Yeah!!!!
xo
On 02/21/2011, Teresa said ...
Its an interesting dream and probaby has some meaning, but I am just going to pray that your dreams of Vann leaving will end and be replaced with lovely dreams of the times you had together, or maybe even times you had planned to have together.
On 02/21/2011, Nancy said ...
Hi Susan, I have dreams too where my husband, Hank appears but never speaks. He just seems to be there. Sometimes I just miss him more than I can imagine. Love, Nancy
On 02/21/2011, k&c's mom said ...
I agree with the comment above mine by Kai. I think you are working through something. Asking God to give you a more healing dream. I've had one where my late husband looked at me and said (with a huge smile), "I have everything just the way I want it now." I woke up feeling that some pieces of the puzzle fell into my heart. It's a process. Sometimes a long process. I appreciate your willingness to share on this journey. You'll probably never have an idea of how many you are helping through your posts.
On 02/21/2011, Jean said ...
Thanks for sharing your dream Sue, I have started having dreams with my Glenn in them and wondered if others go through this too. I think that sometimes God gives us these dreams so we can work through things and sometimes to just comfort us. Will be praying for you as we go through this journey of losing our beloved mates.
On 02/21/2011, Sherry said ...
Hi Susan. Sorry I haven't been by for awhile to say "hi". I hate to hear you are having these confusing dreams. I wonder if it isn't just a way of dealing with your grief. You know how much Vann loved you & you him. I hope you soon have nothing but wonderful dreams of the two of you. Will keep you in my thoughts & prayers.
On 02/21/2011, Robin Booth said ...
Mormons (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) don't practice polygamy. They haven't for over 100 yrs. The people who take more than one wife do not belong to the "Mormon" church. They have taken their beliefs and gone their separate way.
On 02/21/2011, Pat McDonald said ...
Can't explain the meaning of your dream...but I've occasionally had extremely frustrating dreams myself. They seem so real. I don't try to understand or interpret the frustrating ones.....just know your sweet husband loved you and would never willingly leave you. When my dream involves someone that has past away, I talk to the Lord and ask Him to say hello or give that person a hug for me. Don't know if it's possible but I ask anyway. Blessings to you and I hope you get a good nights rest!
On 02/21/2011, Ann Marie said ...
I have weird dreams like that too sometimes. Later on something will happen, then all the dreams will rush back to me, and I can see then what they were trying to tell me. It is good to write them down so you can go back to them.
On 02/22/2011, Debbie said ...
My mom said she had dreams like this, too. She said she felt abandoned...makes sense to me! Hang in there, Susan!
On 02/22/2011, Susan Ramey Cleveland said ...
Pat, when I close my prayers at night, I ask God to say goodnight to Vann for me and tell him that I love him.
On 02/22/2011, Susan Ramey Cleveland said ...
Robin, I know that Mormons no longer practice polygomy. But in my dream I had a question as to whether this guy was Mormon. I guess because of movies, etc., (especially Outlaw Josie Wales--one of my favorites) the practice is associated with Mormons in my subconscious. I have a good friend who isa member of LDS church. And although he has lots of children and about 568 grandchildren (exaggeration!), he has only one sweet wife.
On 02/22/2011, Barbara Anne said ...
Oh, my friend, I know that grief is processed in bits and pieces over time and this dream is probably another hiccup of the grief process as you said.
Perhaps the idea of Vann leaving in the dream keeps the possibility open that he might have come back had the dream continued if Skipper hadn't barked?
I imagine the friends who come to your home represent the fact that you're surrounded by loving, caring friends and family and that there is happiness ahead. Vann would want you to be sure of that. I, too, believe he isn't far away.
Big hugs!
On 02/22/2011, Susan Ramey Cleveland said ...
Abandoned...yes, that's a good way to describe the feeling I have in teh "leaving" dreams. Thanks, Debbie.
On 02/22/2011, Robin Booth said ...
I'm sorry that your husband is no longer with you. It must be a lonely time. I guess sometimes seeing them in dreams is better than not seeing them at all.
On 02/23/2011, Debra said ...
I will have a series of dreams for awhile where my 1st husband (who I was married to for 20+ years) will come to me & ask me to forgive him and continue to be married to him. I go along with the idea for awhile and then I wake up in a sweat in the dream remembering that I am married to Wes. It's like I have gone off and forgotten to tell Wes I am leaving for my previous life. It's almost a dream inside of a dream. Wes is always patiently waiting for me to return & I am always worried that when I return I will be "in trouble" like in HS when I didn't come home when expected.
At the end of the dream, I always realize I want to be married to Wes and that the past is the past & I can't & don't want to go back there.
I think in the last one I even laughed and said something like, "Are you kidding? and leave this behind (meaning my life with Wes)?" and I haven't had the dream again.
My take is that I am/was still trying to reconcile my 2 lives. I am sure yours is grief-driven. It's a long process but recording it is helpful.
On 02/26/2011, tHiSiSmE said ...
It is so interesting to read this.. we the humans of internet...have forgotten the "dream" - we day-dream rather :)...
And probably this is the firt story since I have been around the internet around something emotional and imagination...
looking at the wikipedia...
"Dreams are a succession of images, ideas, emotions and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep. The content and purpose of dreams are not fully understood, though they have been a topic of speculation and interest throughout recorded history. The scientific study of dreams is known as oneirology." - thanks for the post.
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