On her return from the lady's room, Vanna told us with excitement, "You won't believe who's at that table over there--Patrick Swayze." She was even more excited than we were, I think. Of course, each of us had to get up in turn and go to the lady's room so that we could walk past Patrick's table and take a gander. You were there with him, Lisa, along with a couple of other people.
Vann and I have kept up with you and Patrick since last fall when Vann was diagnosed with the same awful disease that Patrick had. We prayed for you both, just as many, many people were praying for us. We prayed that Patrick would beat the monster, as others were praying that Vann would. We rejoiced at every piece of positive news about Patrick. We drew hope from those reports. We watched the Barbara Walters special and saw the fight in Patrick's eyes, the fear in yours. Don't cry, Lisa, I thought when you broke down. They're going to make it. Nothing else seemed possible to me in January.
Vann lost his fight on September 2, 12 days before your Patrick's battle was over.
And so we grieve, Lisa, you and I. We mourn the loss of two fine, talented men, gone too soon as they say. We cry and wish the impossible, that they were still with us. We make ourselves sick with thoughts of other roads not taken because there was no time left.
We wear our widowhoods like too-big dresses, flopping about our heels, falling off our shoulders. Little girls again, wearing our mama's clothes and playing a part we aren't ready to live. These clothes don't fit us.
We take care of the details, all the while thinking we'll wake up soon and tell our husbands about the horrible dream we just had. But we never wake up. We aren't asleep. This is real life, real death, the thing they prepared us for--or tried to.
Why am I writing to you, Lisa? Because I feel a bond with you and your pain, just as Vann felt a bond with Patrick. I want to tell you that somebody else knows exactly what you're feeling. Right now, even the good feelings hurt, I know. Everything about you is raw and gashed and beaten to a pulp. They tell us that it gets better, and we can only pray that they're right, that our hearts will someday be in one piece again.
We stand in the middle of our homes and look around at the artifacts of the lives we built with them and wonder how we'll keep it all going--me in The Yellow House, you with your horses. Somehow we can't see past it all--not yet, not this year. Maybe next. Maybe not.
But how fortunate we are, Lisa. I know that sounds like phony comfort right now, but it's true. If you could go back to before you met him, before you loved him, and give it all up to avoid the pain of now, would you? I didn't think so. Neither would I. Deep in our hearts somewhere, I believe we never thought that kind of love came for free.
I wish you well, Lisa. I'll pray for you and think of you often in the days ahead. I'll look for news of you--news that you're on the road to peace. But right now I have to go. The doorbell is ringing; I think it's the schmaltz police.
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On 09/17/2009, Sandy said ...
Beautifully stated. From one broken heart to another. My prayers for both of you.
On 09/17/2009, Tina said ...
What a wonderful piece. You are a talented writer, a beautiful soul and an incredible friend(even to those you've never met). My prayer for you today is that you find wellness, physically and emotionally.
On 09/17/2009, Ruth Landon said ...
A beautiful letter,Susan ,you are a really gifted writer, whose words come straight from the soul.
Ruth
On 09/17/2009, CarlaH said ...
Susan, beautifully written as always, I hope that Lisa gets to read and find comfort in it. Thinking of you and wishing you well.
On 09/17/2009, Mary said ...
So beautiful and from the heart, Susan. My prayers are with both you and Lisa...I pray that both of you will find peace and comfort in the arms of God, and will bravely carry on with a healthy and happy life...that would please your guys very much. God bless you both.
Mary
On 09/17/2009, Trudy Neill of Windemere Farm said ...
Well done,well written, Susan....I am so sorry you have had to experience this pain and that your heart is heavy. You comfort many with your words.
Love,
Trudy
On 09/17/2009, AwtemNymf said ...
You moved me! Wow Susan!
You're both in my thoughts and prayers!
HUGS!!!
On 09/17/2009, Jan said ...
Beautifully written and I hope you find a way for Lisa to see it. It was obviously all said from the very depth of your soul. Grief can be such a lonely journey, so I hope the fact that you know someone else is out there experiencing the very same things that you are experiencing brings a bit of comfort to your world today. God Bless.
On 09/17/2009, Wilma said ...
Oh Susan that was so beautiful! I am in tears. I wish you comfort and peace
Love and Hugs,
Wilma
On 09/17/2009, Barbara said ...
Wonderfully said. I hope she gets to read this. You spoke from the heart and my heart goes out to you. Sorry for your loss.
On 09/17/2009, Barbara Anne said ...
Tears here.
Blessings on you, on Lisa, and on all who mourn. As promised, you will be blessed and comforted, perhaps in ways you cannot yet imagine.
Prayers continue ...
Grace, peace, and hugs
On 09/17/2009, Patti Koosed said ...
What a wonderful letter. I hope God shows her the way to it and she responds. You are amazing Susan. This must be so very hard.
As you know my husband has been diagnosed with lymphoma and leukemia and I have not been on the computer for awhile. When I saw the post about Vann I was so shocked and saddened.
BLess You
On 09/17/2009, Linda said ...
Beautifully written. It reminds me of "he comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we have received..I Cor 1:4"
On 09/17/2009, Janet said ...
What a touching post, Susan. Prayers for both you and and Lisa. And I hope you are feeling better soon too. Hugs.
On 09/17/2009, Gayle said ...
That was so beautifully written. Absolutely beautiful.
On 09/17/2009, Debra Spincic said ...
I think Garth Brooks' song: The Dance says it very well too:
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Sending Love,
Debra
On 09/17/2009, Laurie said ...
Wonderful. I wish she would read it and know. Take good care.
On 09/18/2009, Marie said ...
What a special post. Thank you so much for sharing your heart ~ you've touched mine.
On 09/18/2009, Nancy said ...
What a beautiful letter. Keeping you all in prayer. Oh my, I just have to say it again...A beautiful piece. Lord I hope Lisa is led to it.
On 09/18/2009, Nicole said ...
All I can do is cry with you.
On 09/18/2009, Kai said ...
It's this kind of post from you which solidifies the fact that you SHOULD write your novel. You are a marvelous writer.
On 09/18/2009, Valerie said ...
my heart aches
in prayers with all of you, all those suffering from this awful disease...
so. sad.
On 09/19/2009, Kim said ...
I am sorry for your loss Susan. My thoughts are with you and your family. Kim
On 09/20/2009, Tamara said ...
My husband had just lost his mom when we heard that Patrick Swayze was diagnosed with the same aweful disease that took our mom. His passing was a bitter sweet moment, for it brought back the pain we had been through yet we were able to know that she is in a better place. I pray for you and your family for I know how this takes a toll, but I know that with God everything is possible.
On 09/30/2009, Cindy In Carolina said ...
I lost my husband to Pancreatic Cancer on Dec 29 2008.
I would not trade being loved that way and loving that way for anything in this world. I would do it all again.
My thoughts are with you.
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