Seems like numbers have so much significance in my and Vann's life. I don't always understand the significance, but consider this: Vann was born on Pearl Harbor Day, December 7. He died, and thus had his new birthday, on V-J Day, September 2. Today, the first anniversary of his homegoing, spells out the zip code for Beverly Hills, 90210. Now what the heck could that mean?
Vann officially passed from this life at 10:10 a.m. At that time this morning, I was in our bedroom, where he died, with the doggies, and the grief hit me all over again, just as strong and as hard and as painful as that very moment a year ago. I cried and cried and cried--and then I began to pray. I told God that I knew I was only feeling sorry for myself, and I knew my Vann was gloriously happy in his new home. In my heart, I heard a voice telling me to close my eyes, and I did. And he came, my husband, and put his arms around me. It was the same hug I remember, having had thousands of them in our life together. That strong, sweet hug. I knew that when I opened my eyes, it would end, so I kept them closed a long time, crying and talking to him, telling him how much I love and miss him. He never spoke to me, but that hug spokes volumes. Thank you, my sweet Boo.
A year after Vann's death, I still wear my wedding ring...
...and his. I'll probably wear them for the rest of my life.
And one year after his death, there are those who are working hard to keep the grief and separation alive with their harrassment. I'm trying not to be upset about that though. I prefer to remember my husband for the good man he was, the good husband, the funny "south Georgia redneck" (as he called himself). I'd rather consider those who are trying to marr that memory as simply minor aggravations. And I pray for them. And I love them. Who knows what demons they're fighting?
I've had notes, e-mails and phone calls all morning, bringing me sweet thoughts of condolence, assuring me I'm not alone. And I don't feel alone. I haven't all year. You blogging friends as well as off-line friends and family, and two of the best doggies ever, keep me in the knowledge that I'm surrounded by love and friendship. Thank you all.
This evening, a group of my neighborhood friends is taking me out to dinner at one of Vann's favorite restraunts, a Mexican restraunt that our friend Lori dubbed El Chokador, and that's what we always called it. But that name isn't descriptive of the food, which is awesome. Gene and Paul have both told me that this is going to be a celebration of Vann--not a time of mourning. I look forward to it. I love celebrating my Boo.
This post was migrated from the old blog. To see the comments on the original post, CLICK HERE. To add a new comment, click "Post a Comment", below.
On 09/02/2010, Debra said ...
We love celebrating Your Boo too. You made him special to us too.
xoxoxo
On 09/02/2010, Marilyn said ...
My thoughts are with you on this day. Enjoy yourself
tonight with your friends, that is what he would
have wanted.
On 09/02/2010, Helen said ...
Susan, thinking of you today - thank you for sharing your "self" with us. Significant dates are always interesting to ponder for meaning aren't they? One more way to connect us with our loved ones. I took care of my father-in-law during his final days and at the time of his last breath recorded the time as 9:50 p.m. but said to my mother-in-law: "e passed at 10 to 10" As soon as I said "10 to 10" we all just looked at each other.....His birthdate was 10-2-10. Strangely this was very comforting to us.
On 09/02/2010, Lisa said ...
Susan, my prayers are with you today. May God hold you in His arms and give you comfort and peace.
On 09/02/2010, Barbara Anne said ...
"Those we love are with the Lord,
and the Lord has promised to be with us.
If they are with Him,
and He is with us,
they cannot be far away." - Peter Marshall
Once again, Vann hugged you to show you how close he still is.
... and the greatest of these is Love.
Blessings, dear Susan. We hold you in our hearts.
On 09/02/2010, Debby Messner said ...
Susan, of course I didn't know your Van. I have only know you through blogging a short time BUT I feel like I know him through you. I am crying after your post. You loved him so much. I honestly don't know how one can not be with the love of their life. I feel bad for you. I just hope that God blesses you today with peace in your heart. You will be with him some day.
On 09/02/2010, Linda in Calif. said ...
Susan, what an interesting post about the numbers and a wonderful post about the hug. I'm very happy for you that you were able to experience that. And thank goodness for little doggies! Have a very blessed day!
On 09/02/2010, Pam said ...
This will be one of the hardest days Susan. My thoughts and prayers are with you today. God Bless.
Pam
On 09/02/2010, Carol said ...
Susan, I have been thinking of you today. God is carrying you.
On 09/02/2010, Dee Brownfield said ...
Susan, my thoughts and prayers are with you today. What an awesome evening you will have! The laughter, the tears and the fun is all about your Vann. Continue to feel the hugs, Dear One.
Pink Hugs,
Dee
On 09/02/2010, Kai said ...
I just got home a short while ago & the first thing I am doing, even BEFORE putting things away or feeding Ray, is checking on you! My mind has been on you all day, Susan! I'm so extremely glad that you felt Vann's hugs! He was definitely letting you know he is always around you! And SO many of us in Blogland LOVE you & are here for you, too! Please, know that! I dearly love you! Extra hugs to you this day!
On 09/02/2010, Pat said ...
Wonderful post in your dear Vann's memory. My mother died three years ago yesterday; not the same at all, but each year seems a little softer, somehow.
On 09/02/2010, AnnieO said ...
Your love for each other is evident in each memory you share with us. Thank you for letting us glimpse pieces of that strong love. Not everyone gets to experience that kind of love, and it is sad that it ended before you were ready to part from a long life. I'm glad you had each other, will always have each other.
On 09/02/2010, k&c's mom said ...
What a beautiful, beautiful post: a wonderful tribute. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us on this anniversary of loss. Praying the next year is full of happy memories.
On 09/06/2010, Joyce said ...
Susan, so sorry that I missed this. We were out of town in an area where we had no cell phone service and only sporadic internet access. We got home a few hours ago and I have just checked in. Vann would be so proud of you for weathering this past year as you have. You are much stronger than you think. Your memories will always keep Vann with you. I pray God will bless this next year for you.
On 09/07/2010, Patti Koosed said ...
You are an amazing women. I am so happy you were able to feel Vann's hug once again. It must be so hard at times. I can only imagine and I feel your pain.
it is so good you have warm and loving family and friends. Hold them dear to your heart and protect it from the others that want to hurt you.
God Bless You Susan
I hope you had a wonderful time at the celebration of Boo :)
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