Several years ago, a friend of mine turned me on to tut.com and "Notes from the Universe." It's sort of a New Age thing, not something that I'm totally into. But oftentimes a fun diversion. In no way does Tut conflict with my strong Christian faith--but then I've never been one to think that if you don't believe exactly as I do, you're doomed. I believe there are many paths, but at some point they all converge, most likely at the feet of Jesus.
Anyway, back to Tut and The Universe. The founder is a writer named Mike Dooley, who sees the Universe as a living, breathing entity who loves us and wants us to be happy. I can see that. After all, God created the Universe, which we're a part of. From what little understanding I have of quantum physics, there's evidence that every part of the Universe, including us, is connected to every other part, and it's all alive.
But, be that as it may, I get these notes from The Universe every week via e-mail. They're always uplifting and sometimes they're spot-on whatever situation I'm going through at the time. Like this morning:
"If they hide their power, feign their innocence, and generally fret that their confidence will rub some folks the wrong way, it's no wonder misguided young souls will try to walk all over them. Huh, Susan?
Be proud of your magnificence.
Loving you till the cows come home -
The Universe"
I had to read this several times to get the true gist. At first, I read the "they" in "hide their power, feign their innocence, etc." as "the misguided young souls." But no, that's not right. I'm the one who tried to "hide my power," the power that Vann's love and caring gave me, the power that God gives me as a child of confidence and magnificence.
In the three weeks from Vann's passing until the blow-up in my home, I pussy-footed around, trying to hide that power, that authority, fearing I'd "rub folks the wrong way." I tried to keep the boat from rocking, didn't want to hurt the feelings of people I love. By the time I finally spoke up, I had totally lost my authority in their eyes--if I ever had any authority in their eyes in the first place. That's how I could have prevented the train wreck that happened here. By respecting my own authority and expecting others to do the same without fear of stepping on toes. In short, by doing things exactly they way Vann would have done them.
I know this is all probably confusing to most of you since you don't have the first idea what I'm talking about. Suffice it to say that the same old thing that happens in many families after the death of a loved one has happened in mine. I would have bet money (if I had any) that such a thing would never, never happen here, but it did. Some of us aren't happy with the arrangements Vann made before his death for the distribution of the part of our assets that he controlled. So during the time that I was "prostrate with grief" (as Scarlett's Mammy said") or "prostate with grief" (as Tony Soprano said) followed by prostrate with the flu, some of us stepped in and tried to change all that Vann and I had set up. But the time I became unprostrate and smelled the pungent aroma of the wrong kind of coffee in my coffee pot (that's a metaphor), things were on a downhill spiral--a plunge into that land of greed, materialism, and power struggle that you've heard about in many families, maybe even your own. In MY family! In MY FAMILY! IN MY FAMILY! I still wake up each morning in disbelief.
Maybe I didn't expect this because I have never experienced it. Nobody in my birth family has ever had two nickels to rub together, so there was truly nothing to fight over when anyone passed. The same was true in my first in-law family. But Vann and I have both worked very hard and have been wise with our meager assets and have actually accumulated a couple of quarters to rub together. Nothing movie-star rich, nothing that should have caused a ruckus. But still.
Looking back, I'm pretty sure that Vann himself did foresee problems, but I still won't accept that he foresaw them coming from the direction they came. From the time we discovered his illness, he set to work to see that every "i" was dotted and ever "t" was crossed to ensure that things would go on here as usual after his death--that as little of the life that we have built together would be disturbed as possible. His focus was on me; he wanted to make damn sure that I'd be all right, be "taken care of." I'm not sure anybody has ever cared as much about me as my Vann did. It's very humbling. It makes me want more than ever to see that my life honors him and the love and respect he gave me.
My husband was a fine man who loved his wife, his children, his family, and his friends. But he was also a wise man who knew that extreme situations can bring out unexpected qualities in people. Thank God for his foresight; thank God for him.
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On 09/28/2009, Barbara Anne said ...
Oops! Today's date, no title, and no post! That's how Mondays sometimes are! :D
Hugs!
On 09/28/2009, Barbara Anne said ...
Ah, now it's here... A smack on TypePad's virtual hand!
So sorry there has been this unpleasantness to deal with in your sweet home and haven. As my father used to say, "Where there's a will, there are greedy relatives." I hope and pray all has been set to rights again, no matter whose feathers were ruffled. Vann was wise and loving and I hope that certainty fills the little yellow house and your dear heart.
Hugs!
On 09/28/2009, Lavender Dreams said ...
That is so beautifully written that I would like to copy some of it into my journal. Some of my hurt feelings last week fall into this same category. I try not to expect anything from anyone (except my dear hubby) so that I won't be so disappointed but it distresses me to see the 'true colors' of some people I think I know and trust. And you are doing what I always say is best...I believe that the only good that can come from bad treatment by others is to take it to heart and make sure I never make that mistake. That I learn from bad behavior and do my best to rise about it and open up my mind and heart to the good in the universe. My prayers are for you at this difficult time. Shame on someone for making it even harder. God bless you.
On 09/28/2009, Jan said ...
I'm so sorry for the additional pain, stress and disappointments that you have had to endure. It truly is neither the time nor the place, so shame on whoever the culprits are! Money and material possessions are definitely the root of all evil and they make people do the unthinkable! I will be praying that these unnecessary wounds heal quickly. God's Speed!
On 09/28/2009, Sandy said ...
Those we love the most can cause the most pain.
On 09/28/2009, Debra Spincic said ...
Hopefully every "i" was dotted and "t" crossed in indelible ink and nothing can be changed now. When Wes's first wife died, it was unbelievable what her kids (not his- although he raised them) thought they were "entitled" to have just because she was their mother. He emphatically told them, "It says in the will. . . .". Eventually, they had a parting of ways and I believe he has been better off in the long run. He really didn't need their drama.
I am sick that this has happened to you too. Hopefully the stress of Vann's death was more than the people could handle and they will return to themselves soon.
and the will was written in indelible ink. . . .
Sending Love,
Debra
On 09/28/2009, Joyce said ...
You go girl! You certainly did and do have the right to stand up and defend the love and honor that Vann gave to you and God will be glorified in that! Hang in there! Love you!
On 09/28/2009, Ruth Landon said ...
Susan so sorry that you had to go through such a rough time with family so soon after losing Vann. I have heard from others that good loving families are often torn apart by death and its aftermath. In my book if you expect nothing you won't be disappointed.
So glad Vann looked after you so well, I know it was a mutual thing and that he looks after you still. Be strong in time I hope that the wounds will heal.
Love Ruth
On 09/28/2009, Kai said ...
I sort of suspected whatever you were referring to last week may have been tied to monetary things. It ALWAYS seems to happen. And it just makes a sad time sadder. Vann's caution in setting things up for your future comfort is without a doubt the most loving thing he could have done! I hope feelings can be repaired if that is what everyone desires. But sometimes people (regretably)show their true colors, & those colors should NEVER be entirely ignored. They can be a proverbial red flag for future behaviors. Stick to your guns, my beautiful friend. Vann KNEW what he wanted for you and you are entitled to it! I love you!
On 09/28/2009, Pesky Patti said ...
Hope it felt good to let it all hang out. You can only hold it in so long. Sometimes one gets very tired of "being strong".
On 09/28/2009, Donna said ...
Susan, I know you don't need greedy relatives right now. They should let you grieve and LEAVE you alone! It happens in so many families. Thank goodness I have not experienced it! I have been "run over" in many cases, but you hang in there girl! Stand strong!!
Donna
On 09/28/2009, sherri said ...
Susan, Im praying for you.
Sherri
On 09/28/2009, Kelly Ann said ...
You are in my thoughts....
On 09/28/2009, caroll said ...
I'm so sorry you are going through these rough times. My prayers are with you. Thanks so much for the link.
On 09/28/2009, Laurie said ...
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It always happens -- or, almost always. It's happened to me. And at such a low time, when one is so ill-equipped to deal with it. I'm glad you're taking care of it, and so happy that dear Vann took pains to make it easier. See how much he loved you?
On 09/28/2009, Beverly said ...
Ah, Susan. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I fail to understand how anyone could disrespect your Vann. Shame on them.
This happened when my father-in-law died, too, but we anticipated it. And, my "wonderful" sister-in-law fulfilled all of our expectations.
I will continue to keep you all in my prayers.
On 09/28/2009, Melinda said ...
I am so sorry you are going through this. We all expect people to act like we do and are surprised when they don't. I am so glad that Vann was able to think ahead far enough to make sure you are OK.
Hang in there - this too will pass.
On 09/28/2009, CarlaH said ...
Susan, what a shame it is that at a time when family should be united that there had to be this needless disagreement. Vann made his will and everyone should respect the terms as he set them out. I trust that things are now back on track and that the wounds this created can be healed.
I don't know you personally, but from what I've read it seems to be that you are an honourable, caring person and certainly did not merit this.
Thinking of you and wishing you well.
On 09/28/2009, Joanne said ...
Suze - I can't think who threw the monkey wrench, but from my kids' experience after their dad's death, I know how devastating this kind of thing can be. Stand your ground, if someone hasn't already pulled it out from under you. It might be best, if applicable, to just let your legal rep do the communicating. Love - your big (dumb) sister.
On 09/28/2009, Linda said ...
...extreme situations can bring out unexpected qualities in people... so true. My I amend that quote to add...unexpected qualities --both negative and/or positive. This sort of thing has been on my mind from time to time of late, as we grow older. I consider each of our offspring and wonder how we can protect each of them from themselves and from each other when the time eventually comes. Not that there are any problems NOW...but those extreme situations.
Susan, you remain in my thoughts and prayers.
On 09/28/2009, pokey said ...
Praise God for a wise man. You are being prayed for right now. Hopefully, this, too, shall pass.... pokey
On 09/28/2009, valerie said ...
You need to think about YOU. Vann would and did. That is all you need to think of right now. Don't make any decisions about anything right now. My thoughts and prayers are with you. If it makes you feel any better....you are right....it can happen in any family.
On 09/28/2009, Andy said ...
I think God shows us the truth when we need to see it the most. But, I hope it was just a momentary lapse of judgement, and in time we can all be a family again. I am so proud of your courage and strength. But, most of all I am proud of the kindness that you have always shown other people. Vann loved you for this. He told me several times over the past few months how well you were taking care of him. He told me what a beautiful person he thought you were. Vann was so proud to be your husband.
On 09/29/2009, Deb said ...
Susan, the passing of a loved one can cause such heartache in areas we are unaware of. We always hope for the best outcome, and pray that people see the decisions that have been made are made for the right reasons. This behaviour from those we love is something that is not attractive and is something that we never want to see. The hard thing I found when I went through this a couple of years ago was how suddenly it becomes not about the grief for the amazing person who has passed but it has become all about greed and self absorption.
I so hope that things settle for you Susa, you were the love of Vann's life, never forget it.
many,many hugs Deb
On 09/29/2009, Jed said ...
I feel for you. It was a struggle to keep my Dad's estate from coming apart - and it took almost two years. On the other hand, I think that everyone was surprised that they got anything on that one. But Vann always gave more than 100%, so I guess it's not surprising that some folks expect more than 100% now. Keep your chin up, and remember this will pass. And it's not at all unusual for people to be at their worst in times like these.
On 09/29/2009, Kim said ...
Hi,
Hoping some peaceful days come your way. I am very sorry for the added stress. You certainly have had your share lately. I hope those who overstepped their boundaries will apologize and there can be healing for everyone.
Hugs!
On 09/29/2009, Pat said ...
Some of what you said could apply even to different situations. I'm so sorry you had to go through turmoil. Hoping you're grounded (sounds as if you are) and have peaceful days ahead.
On 09/29/2009, Helen Nordseth said ...
As a wife, a mother, and a step-mother of over 20 years, I am not surprised. I am my husband's third wife (and "final wife" as I always say :-)....Having lived through this with the death of my Mother-in-Law...the "who gets what"????, nothing will ever shock me again...but Susan - as disappointing as human nature can be(we are all so flawed), Vann spoke and "signed" and took care of you and I am so grateful for you for that...pray for these people who have lived through the animosity of divorce and now need to live for themselves and in obedience to their God. In God's plan, the husband and wife and their love and care for each other, after the love of their God are the first priority...amen.
On 09/30/2009, Valerie said ...
So great you've been loved so much, so well... and I have no doubt your husband found a lot of comfort while he was sick to care for you and make sure you won't lack of anything.
sorry you have to deal with unpleasant people, rude behaviors...
I've been a victim of this when I lost my family, but rather than to fight and risk wasting my energy, I just smalled the door and let them face themselves in the morning mirror...
ah ... human nature... :(
On 09/30/2009, Valerie said ...
oops
read "slammed the door" svp
On 10/07/2009, Ann said ...
Thank you for your beautiful blog, which I just happened on. We had similar things in my family happen after my mother died.
I've had similar losses and know God's with you in your journey. There's a wonderful Jane Kenyon poem "The Other Side," which I've read many times...a brief poem about the afterlife (which she wrote before her death from leukemia 12 years or so ago). It ends "And God, as promised, proves to be mercy clothed in light."
This always makes me teary and serene at the same time.
And congrats on your cleaning--I'm doing it too, here in Maine!
Ann
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